Spinning Teacups

It would seem to me that we can compare life to the ever popular amusement ride "Spinning Teacups". Have you ever thought about it? Life throws us several spins and turns itself and then we think it is fun to reach out and make our cup spin even more and ever faster. For some the challenge seems to be how fast you can make it spin. Maybe it gives them a sense of control over the situation. They really don't have control over when it starts or when it ends but hey they can control how fast their cup goes, even if it makes them sick. I mean even if you stop trying to spin the cup you don't have any control over when it actually stops spinning. Oh, so many parallels to life.

I guess my question would be why do so many of us continue to make the ride worse for ourselves  when we can just accept the spins and turns that come instead of adding so many more. Well,of course, some would say it is the thrill and excitement, the adrenaline rush, but I say it is a sense of control. If I am the cause of the grief or stress in my life I can tell myself that if I make the right decisions then it will all be fine but if I am not the one in control then I have to say that I have no power and that sounds weak. It is not weak but we perceive it to be weak. Surrender sounds weak but actually it is strength and trust. If we surrender to someone it is an ultimate sign of trust. We believe that person will do what is best for us, take us where we need to be. If they don't surrender becomes harder and harder, until it is impossible. 

What I don't understand is why so many of us don't trust God. He knew the beginning, He knows the end so why do we not think He is capable of handling our middle. Isn't it kind of like driving with a blindfold and the navigator not having the map. I want the map to be current and the person next to me knowing how to read it. I can't think of a single person or entity other than God who fits that description. He knows the road, all the turns, all the bumps, all the potholes and all He is asking is for us to let Him help us down the road. Why won't we let Him?

Modern Day Stoning

So I saw a lady that I have not seen in years the other day. We began to talk and she was telling me she had divorced, which I was not surprised for when I had seen and talked to her more often I could tell she was not happy and it wasn't a good marriage. Anyway, she was talking about her boyfriend and that his divorce would be final soon and that he was a new Christian and that they tried going to church at some different places but were afraid that people would condemn them, so had a hard time going consistently. 

Why do we as Christians do that to others? I told this person what I felt was the honest truth. It's going to happen, no matter where you go. We all sin, just because I don't know someone's sin doesn't mean they don't sin. Just because I do doesn't mean I should point it out to them every time I do. I think it is so sad that we lose potentially great Christians because people are scared you will figure out their sin if they don't constantly point out yours.  I don't remember Jesus winning over people by condemning them, He acknowledged their sin but He did not add to their burden He offered them a way out. Isn't that our role as Christians today, to show them He is the way out of our sin.

I know I am not perfect and I know no one else is either. Isn't that what Grace and Mercy are about? I want to know the real people, the people that Jesus sees and loves. I believe if people can't see your faults they probably aren't going to see your gifts either. I feel it might be impossible to hide one part of your life and yet be completely transparent in another part. If you are keeping your sin in the shadows it is going to eventually shadow the good as well. Don't you think the reason God can love us so much is He can see all of us and knows how those pieces fit together? That is the person I want to know the one He sees. It breaks my heart when I hear people that are afraid to go and worship out fear of other sinners' judgement.

John 8:7 NCV

When they continued to ask Jesus their question, he raised up and said, “Anyone here who has never sinned can throw the first stone at her.”

You know some people might say we don't have stonings in this day and age but I say they have been altered slightly. Instead of actually throwing rocks we throw words and looks of condemnation, accusations and gossip. You know I told this woman, if you want to go to church you should go, as long as you are right with God it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. He is the only one who matters and He will give you what you need. The one I worry about is the new Christian, what do we show him about Christianity, what are we teaching him about love, mercy, compassion and Grace? How will he grow into a mature Christian in our churches today?

Parent/Teacher

There was only one perfect parent and he asked his son to be tortured and die for the benefit of those who did not understand, appreciate his sacrifice or admit their own sin. He got angry and made decisions that were not liked or agreed upon.

There was only one perfect teacher and his students were difficult, jealous, and didn't always understand the lesson.  He also paid the price for them regardless of their understanding.

Why do we as parents fear allowing our children to make their own mistakes while we can be there to help them cope with the consequences. No matter how great of a parent we think we are, we cannot control the decisions our children make any more than God can control the decisions that we make. We are not perfect children, nor are our children. I believe our goal is to teach our children how to deal with injustice because we all have to at some point. Which means we can't always keep them from making mistakes or shelter them from difficult circumstances or uncomfortable situations. Let them learn while you are around to guide  (not force) their decisions and cushion their fall. What happens when they leave without ever being able to experience the inevitable situations they will one day have to face without you?

Seasonal Dilemmas

Here it is upon us again, The Holiday Season. I wish this time of year excited me but it really doesn't. I guess because it is so hard to keep the focus on the right things. I always seem to be out of routine and for some reason routine calms me. Another reason might be that I enjoy being able to get gifts for others but seem to always be without extra money at this time of year. Frustrating!

I have had a lot on my mind lately and seem to be struggling to get it out and onto a readable format. Unless you know someone who can read minds and if you do please send them my way and maybe they could get it out for me. I have been thinking about how we homeschool and what ways I am willing to change that, as well as the commitment to our business and how to work that. We have discussed relocating to another state so how that affects all of the above mentioned things as well. Family, spiritual and weight loss goals are just a few more things that float around in my mind as well. Top all of these things off with plumbing issues and financial strains and we have quite the mix.

Well, trying to get on the same page or wavelength with a partner is sometimes very difficult. With a just a business partner it is somewhat different than a spouse that happens to be your business partner as well. I mean with a business partner, we have to have common goals in business but with a spouse you have to be able to reach a common ground on relationship issues, parenting issues and financial issues, not to mention business issues. All this creates complicated procedures and sometimes very sensitive mine fields.

What to do when someone rarely seems happy with their life? I mean there are always going to be things that makes us dissatisfied with our life but shouldn't you be content at least some of the time with at least parts of your life. I have come across people that seem to be a real drain on the people around them. I mean it is very hard to keep yourself up when you are surrounded by people that are so down on themselves that they have a negative for every possible positive you present to them. Why are people like that? They should realize that attitude is the biggest part of positive. We only have control of two things our attitude and our own actions. 

Peace, Joy and Surrender!

I have been reading and thinking a lot lately about Surrender. My husband made the comment that I am like a totally different person and he wondered what happened. I thought about it for a long time and think that I have figured out what is different. You see I have mostly been a perfectionist; meaning that I expect things to be just so or maybe I was really just a control freak. Anyway, I learned some very important and fundamental lessons for surviving in peace and joy. The number one and most important one being Surrender. 

Now I think "Surrender" has a bad reputation for most people. I believe a lot of people think that surrender is a weak. Let me ask you or anyone who has had to surrender, "Do you think it is easy to do?" I believe it is one of the hardest, most difficult and complicating things I have ever done, especially if you are a control freak. If you are a proud person it would be the same. You know the things that get in the way of surrender are pride, fear and trust. 

I finally came to a point in my life when I realized that my own selfish pride, fear of failure or being hurt, and distrust of others to be able to handle the situations for the best got the better of me. When your own actions are about to cost you everything that you are fighting for don't you think it is time to surrender. My way isn't working, hasn't been working and is only making it worse. Now, what? I'll tell you what God, prayer and an open heart, mind and ears.

I went to God in prayer, laid everything, I do mean everything at the foot of the cross(his feet) and gave Him what He has asked and patiently waited for my entire life, Surrender and complete control of my life, every little detail. I must say although one of the hardest things I have ever done also one of the best. I have such a peace, knowing there is nothing I can do other than believe. I have no control over anything in my life and my constant desire to try was ruling my life and making me and all those around me miserable.

Now I just trust that God has my best interests at heart and though I may not understand what is going on or why at that exact moment I do know that I will become a better person if I just learn the lessons at hand and continue to trust God. He will supply everything I need, not necessarily everything I want though  a good part of the time that too. So just in time for the season I have received a great deal of peace and joy!

Turmoil Revisited

So much has happened since my last post. I am not sure it would be anything I should put up here just yet, at least not in detail.  It would seem that the last post caused some confusion and misunderstandings about what or how I was feeling about my marriage. Now don't get me wrong I was definitely discontent with my marriage but not in the way that would imply that I wanted to leave. I think I was trying to discover why I was discontent and if it was because of my way of thinking or because of the way I was being treated.  

I don't think God wants or intends for us to be discontent in our marriages or our lives for that matter. I think that we put ourselves in that situation much more often than necessary. I believe there is always going to be times in our lives when we are not happy with the way  things are but that just means it is time to focus on fixing it or looking at the way we think. I think sometimes in our relationships with others we become lazy for lack of a better word. We think we know what is going on and how the other person thinks but we really don't. Instead of asking we react in a way that we think is what they are looking for or we just become selfish and only think of ourself.

We come into our marriages with so many expectations and I believe many of them we never actually share with each other but we certainly react with sincere disappointment when they are not met. It is sometimes so hard not to lash out at our mate when we are hurt by those unmet expectations, or sometimes we totally withdraw and send a totally different message. In today's world it seems to be that people think the answer is to just totally walk away and start a new relationship with someone else. I am not sure that really fixes anything I think it just delays the realization that the problem is within ourselves. I mean newness shifts the focus onto discovery of the other person and not onto the discovery of ourselves and that really is the problem isn't it?

A week ago today was my 21st wedding Anniversary. I would love to say that is was a completely happy and exciting celebration but sadly I must say that it was not. I am extremely grateful to have been married this long and it is so much longer than I think I ever imagined I would be married, not because I didn't want to be. I think I have always been afraid I would be left. I think I have come to realize that people just leave me for some reason. I don't want to believe it is because there something wrong with me but when everyone you love and that you believe is suppose to love you leaves what does is a person to think? 

Over the last few weeks or months I have discovered a person inside of me that I have buried for a long time. I have always been a crier and maybe that was because it was the only way I would let any emotion out at all and I am not sure I let it out and it did just burst from under pressure. I have volumes of emotions that I don't even know how to express sometimes and I quite frankly think they scare me to death. I hate that sometimes my own mind and body betray me. I can't be the only person that goes through this. Something else I discovered is that I truly love my husband no matter what he believes or how I may act.

Reflections of Turmoil

As I review my last post, I am realizing that I am not content where I am and I am not sure if I should be or not. I can honestly say I don't want to be. This is not the life I wanted for myself or even dreamed I would have. Furthermore, I don't think it is what my Father would want for me either but I could be wrong and if I am I hope He shows me sooner rather than later. 

I think I always knew that fairy tales were not true life but sometimes I think you hope that at least part of them could be. I mean it would be nice if "my prince" could save me from peril and in some ways I think they can and do. I know it is rare for them to actually be princes with money and wealth so that is at least one area of life that is not a worry. So what part of fairy tales do we wish would really happen? I think it is the feelings and not being afraid to act on them. I want to be loved and cherished and for "my prince" to show me how much he loves me, for him to want to spend time with me more than anything, do I expect to be the only thing in his life? No but it would be nice to be more important than most other things. I want to be excited to see him and him to see me. I think the beginnings of relationships are usually the best it is the time when you look forward to seeing each other and you never get tired of talking to each other you spend hours talking about everything and trying to learn as much as you possibly can about each other.  I wish I knew when that all falls apart?

One day you wake up and ask yourself "Who is this person?" "What happened to me?"  I have tried really hard to not be a nagging wife, or to want everyone around me to change, while thinking I am perfect just the way I am. I know better than this, but what happens when you change yourself and try to improve and the people around you don't see a need to change and how long do you live like that before you are in a situation that is just not working anymore? How hard is it to feel like you live a single life in a marriage? I mean you almost feel like you have to make decisions by yourself but at the same time aren't you suppose to be making decisions together?

I think I have always been a little concerned that I don't really understand what I am suppose to feel about love. I am such a logical person that emotions really confuse me. I don't really know what to do with them or how to identify them and I have worked hard over the years to analyze what I am feeling and why. Let me tell you it is hard to do that when you have spent a lot of your life trying to deny emotions and why you feel them. 

All I know right now is that I am tired, tired of trying, tired of feeling, tired of trying to answer questions that have no answers at least from me. I don't know what is next and I am really not sure how I feel about it and I don't know if I really want to try to figure it out right now.