Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Reflections of Turmoil

As I review my last post, I am realizing that I am not content where I am and I am not sure if I should be or not. I can honestly say I don't want to be. This is not the life I wanted for myself or even dreamed I would have. Furthermore, I don't think it is what my Father would want for me either but I could be wrong and if I am I hope He shows me sooner rather than later. 

I think I always knew that fairy tales were not true life but sometimes I think you hope that at least part of them could be. I mean it would be nice if "my prince" could save me from peril and in some ways I think they can and do. I know it is rare for them to actually be princes with money and wealth so that is at least one area of life that is not a worry. So what part of fairy tales do we wish would really happen? I think it is the feelings and not being afraid to act on them. I want to be loved and cherished and for "my prince" to show me how much he loves me, for him to want to spend time with me more than anything, do I expect to be the only thing in his life? No but it would be nice to be more important than most other things. I want to be excited to see him and him to see me. I think the beginnings of relationships are usually the best it is the time when you look forward to seeing each other and you never get tired of talking to each other you spend hours talking about everything and trying to learn as much as you possibly can about each other.  I wish I knew when that all falls apart?

One day you wake up and ask yourself "Who is this person?" "What happened to me?"  I have tried really hard to not be a nagging wife, or to want everyone around me to change, while thinking I am perfect just the way I am. I know better than this, but what happens when you change yourself and try to improve and the people around you don't see a need to change and how long do you live like that before you are in a situation that is just not working anymore? How hard is it to feel like you live a single life in a marriage? I mean you almost feel like you have to make decisions by yourself but at the same time aren't you suppose to be making decisions together?

I think I have always been a little concerned that I don't really understand what I am suppose to feel about love. I am such a logical person that emotions really confuse me. I don't really know what to do with them or how to identify them and I have worked hard over the years to analyze what I am feeling and why. Let me tell you it is hard to do that when you have spent a lot of your life trying to deny emotions and why you feel them. 

All I know right now is that I am tired, tired of trying, tired of feeling, tired of trying to answer questions that have no answers at least from me. I don't know what is next and I am really not sure how I feel about it and I don't know if I really want to try to figure it out right now.