Thursday, October 21, 2010

Turmoil Revisited

So much has happened since my last post. I am not sure it would be anything I should put up here just yet, at least not in detail.  It would seem that the last post caused some confusion and misunderstandings about what or how I was feeling about my marriage. Now don't get me wrong I was definitely discontent with my marriage but not in the way that would imply that I wanted to leave. I think I was trying to discover why I was discontent and if it was because of my way of thinking or because of the way I was being treated.  

I don't think God wants or intends for us to be discontent in our marriages or our lives for that matter. I think that we put ourselves in that situation much more often than necessary. I believe there is always going to be times in our lives when we are not happy with the way  things are but that just means it is time to focus on fixing it or looking at the way we think. I think sometimes in our relationships with others we become lazy for lack of a better word. We think we know what is going on and how the other person thinks but we really don't. Instead of asking we react in a way that we think is what they are looking for or we just become selfish and only think of ourself.

We come into our marriages with so many expectations and I believe many of them we never actually share with each other but we certainly react with sincere disappointment when they are not met. It is sometimes so hard not to lash out at our mate when we are hurt by those unmet expectations, or sometimes we totally withdraw and send a totally different message. In today's world it seems to be that people think the answer is to just totally walk away and start a new relationship with someone else. I am not sure that really fixes anything I think it just delays the realization that the problem is within ourselves. I mean newness shifts the focus onto discovery of the other person and not onto the discovery of ourselves and that really is the problem isn't it?

A week ago today was my 21st wedding Anniversary. I would love to say that is was a completely happy and exciting celebration but sadly I must say that it was not. I am extremely grateful to have been married this long and it is so much longer than I think I ever imagined I would be married, not because I didn't want to be. I think I have always been afraid I would be left. I think I have come to realize that people just leave me for some reason. I don't want to believe it is because there something wrong with me but when everyone you love and that you believe is suppose to love you leaves what does is a person to think? 

Over the last few weeks or months I have discovered a person inside of me that I have buried for a long time. I have always been a crier and maybe that was because it was the only way I would let any emotion out at all and I am not sure I let it out and it did just burst from under pressure. I have volumes of emotions that I don't even know how to express sometimes and I quite frankly think they scare me to death. I hate that sometimes my own mind and body betray me. I can't be the only person that goes through this. Something else I discovered is that I truly love my husband no matter what he believes or how I may act.